We’ve all experienced moments when we feel at a loss for words. Your boss criticizes your work. A customer demands a discount. Your presentation gets off on the wrong foot and tempers flare. Every time, you’re left thinking, I wish I had been able to think of just the right thing to say to that person! What should I have said? Andrew Sobel says that no interaction, regardless of how tough, is ever completely lost. He suggests transforming tough conversations—and the relationships they affect—by asking a few power questions.

“In these situations, when there’s a lot on the line, it’s not all about finding the right thing to say—it’s about asking the right questions,” says Sobel, coauthor along with Jerold Panas of Power Questions: Build Relationships, Win New Business, and Influence Others. “By posing just one or two thoughtful questions, you can turn even the most difficult conversation around, shift the focus back to the other person, and give yourself invaluable breathing room to gather your thoughts.”

Read on for five of the toughest, most awkward conversations you’ll ever have, and the powerful questions that will help manage them with ease.

1. Your boss criticizes you.
Your boss pulls you aside and tells you, “You’re not a team player. You need to collaborate better.”

“When this happens, you should immediately ask him or her two important questions,” says Sobel. “First, ‘Could you help me understand what I’m doing wrong by sharing a couple of examples where I have collaborated poorly with others?’ And second, ‘Can you make some specific suggestions for how I could be a better team player?’ Your openness to criticism and willingness to improve will make a good impression on your boss, and, hopefully, you’ll leave with some specific information you can act on.”

2. Someone attacks your beliefs or values.
Nothing chokes us up emotionally and angers us like an attack on our beliefs, values, or practices—especially with regard to religion, politics, and childrearing. Say you’re having a discussion about healthcare and the other person says, stridently, “Oh come on, you’re not going to tell me you think the government can do a better job running healthcare than efficient private companies! Please!” How do you respond? Your first reaction is to vigorously defend your position. This will most likely lead to an angry escalation.

“Instead, try first asking a few questions,” advises Sobel. “For example: ‘I’m curious, what things do you think the government should get involved with?’ or, ‘That’s a fair point. What kind of grade would you give the private healthcare companies for their performance?’ You could also ask, ‘What’s the worst service you’ve ever received? Was it from a for-profit company or from the government?’ When you’re attacked, come back with questions that help you learn more about the other person and understand their anger—and that also help put your ideas into the mix in a non-confrontational manner.”

3. A conversation turns to anger or goes off the rails.
You’re just a few minutes into a presentation at work, and it all goes wrong. You are being angrily confronted, or your information is being irrationally challenged. Tempers flare. What do you do? If you’re like most people, you keep on talking—faster and faster—trying harder and harder to persuade your audience.

“A better option is to hit the reset button,” says Sobel. “Ask, ‘Do you mind if we start over?’ Then, shift the focus to the other people in the room by saying, ‘We probably should have talked before I put this presentation together. Before I go on, can I ask—what’s your perspective on the impact of these new regulations?’ or, ‘You’ve alluded to some data I have not seen. Can you tell me more about that and where it came from?’ Those magic words—‘Can we start over?’—can salvage a tense situation at work and also at home. But you must use them early in the conversation.”

4. You’re turned down for a new job.
In this job market, you are going to hear “No, thank you” far more often than “You’re hired.” “If you’ve had only a single screening interview, it’s unlikely you’ll get any feedback at all out of the firm that rejected you,” explains Sobel. “But if you went through a longer interviewing process, you ought to try and learn something. Here are two questions you should ask your interviewers if you are turned down for a job: ‘What are you looking for that you did not see in me as a candidate?’ and ‘What advice can you give me, as I apply for other positions, about how to best represent my experience and skills and to handle the interviewing process?’”

5. A customer is unhappy and calls you to complain.
The CEO of a major bank told me, “When you have a customer crisis, there is rarely an easy solution—the solution actually lies in how rapidly, energetically, and sincerely you respond to their complaint. The quality of your response is the solution.”

“Just as surely as the sun rises each morning, you will receive calls from unhappy clients and customers, all of them saying in their own way, ‘You’ve let us down!’” says Sobel. “The first principle to remember is that when people are upset, emotions are like facts. Don’t—repeat, don’t—start arguing with your customer about what really happened and whose fault it is! An unhappy customer who tells you they are unhappy is a gift, because most dissatisfied customers never express their anger—they just vote with their feet.”

Here are some of the key questions you must ask when this happens:

• “Thank you for raising this with me. Can you tell me any other facts or background information about what happened?”
• “Can you say more about that?” (This demonstrates your interest and helps explore the problem more deeply.)
• “How do you think things got to this point?” (This may uncover the origins of the problem, including things the customer may have done to exacerbate it.)
• “This is extraordinarily important to me. How soon can we meet to discuss the problem and how we can best respond to it?” (This shows the customer he is your number one priority right now.)

“And finally,” Sobel adds, “don’t forget to apologize!”

“Few things can make us feel more awkward than a tough conversation,” says Sobel. “When you find yourself in the midst of one, asking the right questions is a great way to salvage the moment and give yourself breathing room to think. The bonus, of course, is that you’ll actually open yourself up to having a very vibrant conversation and will pave the way for a more authentic and productive relationship in the future.”

Andrew Sobel is the most widely published author in the world on client loyalty and the capabilities required to build trusted business relationships. His first book, the bestselling Clients for Life, defined an entire genre of business literature about client loyalty. In addition to Power Questions, his other books include Making Rain and the award-winning All for One: 10 Strategies for Building Trusted Client Partnerships. He can be reached at http://andrewsobel.com.