By Diane A. Ross

We all have to face having challenging conversations. Challenging conversations are those conversations you worry about, those conversations that you lose sleep over, those “hand wringing” conversations…. Imagine having to confront poor performance, deal with offensive behaviour, disagree with the group when the stakes are high, or say “NO” to your customer, boss or mother!

Many of us go to great lengths to avoid challenging conversations. We tell ourselves all sorts of stories to try to convince ourselves it is not worth having the conversation, yet if we don’t step up to these conversations nothing changes.

So how can we approach these conversations to improve our chances for a successful outcome? Let’s look at a situation and break it down:

Imagine that your boss, “Jim” has a habit of cutting you off when you are sharing your ideas on various projects at team meetings. You haven’t said anything to date because you didn’t want to rock the boat-after all he is your boss! Lately, it is really starting to bother you, and you are wondering if you should bring it up?

Preparation

1. Ask yourself what is at stake for yourself and others? For you, it might be your reputation, and your sense of worth. For the team, it may be having the opportunity to hear all perspectives on an issue in order to make the best possible decisions.
2. Adopt your purpose for having the conversation. This really requires asking yourself what you are hoping to achieve. Perhaps you want to educate “Jim” on how his behaviour is impacting you and you want to improve communication and decision making in your team meetings.
3. Prepare a message that is accurate, brief and clear. It is important in having these conversations that you get to the essence of what matters most without delay. Be specific and factual. Avoid shame and blame.

The message here may be something like:

“I would like to talk to you about something that is bothering me. In our last team meeting, when I start to share my ideas on the X project, you interjected with your view, and I did not have the opportunity to share my perspective. I am feeling discouraged because I have put a great deal of work into the X project. The sense I am getting is that you are not interested in my ideas or perspective. Have I got it right?”

Navigation

1. Inquire and Listen Attentively. Once you have delivered your message be prepared to listen to understand how the other person is thinking and feeling. Ask yourself: “what is going on for Jim?” Be curious about why he is behaving this way. Your goal is to question your assumptions about “Jim” and his behaviour.
2. Acknowledge the other’s perspective and feelings. Acknowledging “Jim” does not mean that you agree with him. It is about understanding and conveying respect.
3. Wait for an opportunity to clarify if necessary.

Depending on Jim’s response you could say: “I am hearing that it is not your intention to shut me down or send the message that you are not interested in my ideas, yet when you interrupted me when I was talking, the impact on me was to feel discounted. I am also concerned that when the discussions are ended so quickly, we may not be making the best possible decisions. Is there another way we can share ideas at these team meetings so people feel that their input is valued?”

• Manage Emotional Reactions. Be prepared for a strong emotional reaction. Remember their reaction is about them not you. Choose not to react. Instead listen and acknowledge-it will take the wind out of their sails. Remember that becoming defensive or argumentative will only add fuel to the conflict.

Diane A. Ross presented Succeeding at Challenging Conversations in Parksville on November 26, 2009. For more information on ther professional development opportunities, please refer to BC HRMA’s online calendar. Ross is an experienced lawyer, facilitator, and executive coach. Diane works with people to help them succeed in their challenging conversations and negotiations. Diane has business and law degrees and a certified executive coach designation. She also trained in Advanced Negotiations and Mediation at Harvard Law School.

Resources:

• Power of a Positive NO by William Ury (Bantam 2007)
• Beyond Reason by Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro (Viking Penguin 2005)
• Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott (Berkley Books, 2002)
• Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler (McGraw Hill, 2002)